Sabotage in Personal Conversations
You want to clear up a misunderstanding, but the conversation quickly becomes complicated and escalates into a crazy argument that resolves nothing. Or you want to know what's going on, and ask, but feel attacked instead of answered. The communication territory seems like a minefield. You tip-toe around important subjects. Trust and safety have disappeared.
This condition is what author Mira Kirschenbaum calls "off-the-table-itis," a pattern that kills relationships. More specifically, "partners with off-the-table-itis kill relationships." In her insightful and practical book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (Plume, 1997), Kirschenbaum asks a series of penetrating diagnostic questions, including this one:
"Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?"
If the answer is yes, it will be impossible to collaborate on solving a vexing problem. Your choices are few: Shut up, or shut down.
Many of the couples I've worked with initially report that "We've just got a few communication problems. We need a little help fixing those and we'll be fine." So they think. But, as 12-steppers say, "Denial is not a river in Egypt." What seem to be only "trivial communication problems" that require some tinkering may in fact be a single problem so huge that it undermines and even destroys any attempt at authentic communication.
Let's diagnose. Do you observe any of the following?
You say, "We need to talk about the way you handle the finances." She acts so miserable that the experience becomes an ordeal, and you regret bringing it up.
You both agree to give each other feedback, but when you do so, you receive a barrage of criticism about how you always do it wrong.
You bring up a problem you are experiencing, and your partner tells you what's wrong with you for having such a problem.
These are a few of the symptoms of "off-the-table-itis."
If your relationship suffers from this "-itis," the problem will not clear up by itself. Once a communication pattern is firmly set, there is no change possible from within.
Now, it could be that the difficult partner is simply unaware of what he or she is doing. In such a case, gaining fresh awareness from an outside observer may help that person stop the destructive pattern and learn to communicate more supportively. Maybe.
However, if the partner is unwilling to look at the "off-the-table-itis" pattern or is not open to change, big trouble lies ahead. After all, how can you fix those things you can't even talk about?
The larger question for anyone stuck in such a relationship pattern is this: "Can I be safe being real? In other words, "Can I say what I feel and think without being stonewalled or attacked?" If you can't, you'll find no happiness or satisfaction. Instead, as Kirschenbaum suggests, "You'll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze."
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