Conversational Habits and Routines 
 

Our conversational styles are patterned, the result of local 
culture and personal habit. So much so, in fact, that they define 
us more than do our hairstyles and apparel, which are much easier 
to change. 
Some of our routines add to our conversational effectiveness 
and some do not. For example, the habit of asking your fellow 
converser to “tell me more” is almost always helpful in getting 
more detail and nuance. On the other hand, the habit of abruptly 
changing the subject is often disconcerting and rarely helpful. 

Why do persons continue with the same conversational 
routines, even if those routines are ineffective? Well, habits are 
almost always out-of-awareness and, even when brought to one's 
attention, are hard to break. You can observe that almost no one 
drives a different route to work unless forced to do so by 
bottlenecks and road construction. Changing any habit requires 
effort, more awareness and attention, more work and more energy. 
Habits by their nature are automatic and follow the path of least 
resistance. 

In our personal relationships, we experience a natural drift 
toward routine. However, as we habituate, the freshness and 
excitement of our talks begin to wane. We talk about certain 
topics (and not about others) in predictable ways. We tend to 
expect that we already know what our spouses, friends, and co- 
workers are thinking and what they're going to say. 

Just as the ability to “break set” is a necessary aspect of 
creative thinking, it is also necessary to creative conversation. 
To eliminate a predictable routine that is ineffective – to establish 
an “absence of” that routine – can make a huge difference in 
one's effectiveness. For example, eliminating one's long-held 
urge to interrupt others in mid-sentence can create a much 
smoother and safer talk-space for all. 

The saying that “even our best friends won't tell you” seems 
to be as true regarding our conversational routines as it is for our 
having bad breath. Most people will put up with our troublesome 
routines rather than tell us about them. So we remain ignorant of 
how our habits affect others while they grumble behind our back 
or even avoid us when they see us coming. 

Some weeks ago an old friend and I had dinner together 
when I was visiting his city. Earlier that day I had wandered 
around, shopping and seeing the sights, keeping to myself, and 
he spent a full day of listening to clients in his therapy practice. 
By the time the salad arrived, I was really primed to talk about 
my ideas, and I did so. He, on the other hand, had done quite 
enough intense listening that day and preferred a low-key, 
gently paced, and mutual conversation. I, the “conversation 
expert,” didn't make the adjustment, and my being so voluble 
sapped some of the enjoyment out of our time together. The 
next morning on a walk together he gave me his response, 
albeit with a bit of hesitation, and I was a bit shame-faced at 
what he told me. I saw then that I had been conversing on 
automatic and had not attended to what was needed for a 
more mutual exchange. 

If we already are aware of a conversational “bad habit,” 
we can put some effort into eliminating it. As a reminder, 
we can wear our watch on the other wrist to increase our 
awareness. We can keep a count and watch the habit 
diminish over days and weeks. 

If we are unaware of our habits, we can ask a trusted friend 
to tell us how we converse. When we give a friend our permission, 
they are likely to tell us about those habits of ours that are helpful 
and those that are not. Then, brought to our awareness, we can do 
more of the “good habits” and fewer of “the bad.”