Your Most Valuable Conversations  


Which of your conversations are most rewarding? 
For me, the most rewarding conversations are those which 

--offer pure enjoyment 
--build or deepen the relationship 
--provide most new learning 
--stimulate self-discovery 
--are most fun and creative 

Your criteria may be different. However, I'd guess that 
your most rewarding conversations, like mine, occur with a 
small percentage of the people you talk with, “the vital few.” 

We may spend more time and give more attention to selecting 
a piece of apparel or a menu item than selecting the people we talk 
to. We may attend a mixer or meeting and seat ourselves next to 
people we don't find interesting, congenial, or willing to share ideas. 
If we don't choose, we get only the luck of the draw. 

Choose the People You Talk To 

For some years I have been applying the Pareto Principle, 
otherwise known as the “80/20 rule” to my selection of conversation 
partners. This principle states that there is an imbalance between 
causes and results, inputs and outputs, and effort and reward. Further, 
it says that the best results or rewards are derived from a small 
proportion of the causes or inputs and suggests that while the 
majority have little impact, a small minority have a major impact. 

As a rule of thumb, this principle predicts that we'll get 80% 
of our value from 20% of the people we interact with. This rule 
has been borne out by my observation over time and is now my 
rule of thumb. 

Sometimes, of course, we have little choice in the matter, 
as when we are seated next to a stranger on a flight, or when seating 
is pre-arranged at a formal dinner. On a flight we can usually decide 
to converse or not, depending on the willingness of the person in 
the adjacent seat. At a dinner, we normally must be at least 
polite, but we can also minimize the talk if it is not satisfying. 

In most situations, however, we have the ability and right 
to select whom we engage. We can arrive early, make the 
rounds and introduce ourselves to people we don't already 
know, make an initial assessment of who are most engaging 
and potentially rewarding, and be assertive so that we can 
spend more time with those. We can ask “Would you join 
me at this table?” or we can engage them in talk instead of 
others who happen our way. We can de-select people who 
are dominators, or argumentative, or stiff and opinionated. 
We can select those who are mutual, tolerant, and open. 

On my recent flight from Toronto to Dallas, I was 
seated next to a woman from rural Ontario on her way to a 
week-long ministerial program in Oklahoma. For the three 
hours of the flight, she did most of the talking, which was 
just fine with me. I learned about her recovery from a lethal 
form of pernicious anemia through faith healing after doctors 
had given up on her condition. Later, I learned about her 
special gift of “horse-whispering,” a talent she used to train 
Arabian horses for endurance races of 100 miles. And of her 
escape with three children from an abusive husband who was 
tracking her in the remote woods to kill them. I asked questions 
and listened to her fascinating life-story. Our conversation was 
very satisfying and rewarding. 

If she had not been the open person she was, or if she 
had wanted to argue dogmatic religious points with me, 
I would have declined the opportunity and opted out with 
a nap or some reading. We almost always have a choice, 
and I had a choice even when strapped into seat B next to her 
seat A. I chose to converse and was rewarded. 

It's amazing but usually accurate: 80% of the value of 
your interactions will occur with only 20% of the people 
you converse with. Be selective. Get more value.