Life-Changing Conversations   


At the top of each ezine are my words, “Ordinary conversation 
yields little, but masterful conversation works miracles.” 
And so it is that special conversations change lives. 

How One Conversation Changed My Life 

When I was a college junior about to drop out of school, a single 
30-minute conversation turned my life around. An academic counselor 
called me in to discuss my progress, and during our time together, 
listened to me with great care, then reflected my responses back so 
I could hear what I had said. He gave me no advice, no pep-talk. 

As I left his office, I felt embarrassed by what I'd said – my 
distorted and defensive remarks. I had offered him exaggerated 
and largely empty “reasons” for leaving school. I had used them 
to convince myself and my allies, also disgruntled students. But 
my reasons seemed foolish when spoken by this man. 

That day, I changed my mind, buckled down to studies, took 
responsibility for my situation (plummeting grades), and 
created the beginning of a long and satisfying academic career. 

After thinking a long time about those features and qualities 
of a conversation that changes a life, I've teased out a few. 
These include, but are not limited to 

--deep engagement of the conversers 
--a lot of authenticity and credibility in the one 
stimulating the change 

In my example above, both of us were deeply engaged. I 
was on the hot seat with huge changes looming ahead for me if 
I didn't reconsider my position. Although I was trying to flim- 
flam the counselor, he spoke to me simply and honestly and 
authentically, which also endowed him with credibility. He 
treated me with respect and really got my attention. And 
that made all the difference. 

An Alcoholic Recovers 

Let me now draw examples from other very different 
situations. Such as the ex-alcoholic who told me how he 
changed his life after attending several dozen A.A. meetings. 
It took that long for him to “get” what the members were 
sharing with him and the group. Finally he saw that he had 
been deceiving himself. ( He had stopped drinking, but he had 
continued smoking marijuana.) Finally he acknowledged “That's 
me. That could be me telling my story.” In that moment 
he began his long and now genuine process of change. 

Sometimes it can be a kind word that evokes the life-change. 
Sometimes it can be an angry word. Or a deep question. The 
form of the change-messages can vary widely. 

A Wife Puts Her Foot Down 

A wife I knew had five children and a troubled marriage 
because her husband openly flirted with other women, which 
embarrassed her, but also was spending a lot of time with 
an attractive secretary from his office. While she cared for 
the home and the kids, he was ostensibly working late and 
weekends with the secretary, often not returning home until 
midnight. 

Her response? A firm, angry, and authentic ultimatum 
that either he drop his dalliance with the secretary and be a 
caring husband and father or he find another place to live. 
Knowing she was not bluffing, clear in his mind that she 
truly meant what she said, he ended his other relationship. 
Miraculously, he suddenly has less late-night work and 
could spend time with his family. 

What life-changing conversations have you had? Did 
the word of a parent or coach or friend make a huge 
difference? Did your encouragement of a colleague 
help her to really excel and get promoted? Did a story 
told by a teacher or professor seem like it was made just 
for you, and so you took the road less traveled by?