The Big Thing About Small Talk   
 

The primary function of small talk is to build and maintain social relationships. Period. 
Those who despise small talk entirely miss the point of it. 
It is a useful and necessary ritual, one that the anthropologist 
Malinowski termed phatic communion, defined as “language 
used in free, aimless, social intercourse.” 

The American Heritage Dictionary (2000) defines phatic as 
“Of, relating to, or being speech used to share feelings or to 
establish a mood of sociability rather than to communicate 
information or ideas.” That's small talk in a nutshell. 

It's Not About Big Ideas 

Sometimes the talk exchanged is highly predictable and 
brief. It's about the weather, or the last weekend, or one's 
state of health. Here, it's the connection that counts, taking 
time to acknowledge the presence of an acquaintance, or even 
the nod of recognition and “Good day” offered to a passing 
stranger. 

Other times the small talk can be lengthy and detailed. 
It may be shop talk or family talk or gossip. In his book 
Games People Play, psychiatrist Eric Berne termed such 
talk “pastimes” and labeled some of them like “General 
Motors” (men talking about cars) and “Wardrobe” 
(women talking about fashion.) and “PTA” (talking 
about kids and school.) 

It's About People 

Ask people who attend conferences and trade shows 
about the best aspects of the event. Usually it will be the 
people they meet, the networking, rather than the main 
sessions. New contacts become part of your social 
capital, your “know-who” resources. 

In the office workplace, some of the most satisfying 
parts of the day are water-cooler talk, or a shared coffee break. 
We humans are tribal, and we need face-time contact with 
all its attendant sights and smells and movements and feelings. 

Small talk glues communities together. It provides the 
little details of life that allow us to know one another well 
enough to bond, to trust, to collaborate. We remark to a 
colleague that she looks tired, and we learn that she was up 
late taking care of her ailing parent. We notice that 
Joe is remarkably upbeat on Monday morning and find out 
that his son kicked the winning goal in Saturday's game. 

We Need High Touch 

When futurist John Naisbit first used the phrase 
“high tech-high touch” in MegaTrends (1982), he was 
referring to the need for balance in an increasingly 
high tech world. Thus most people still prefer to view 
movies in theaters with hundreds of others, to stand in 
line and smell the popcorn and schmooze with friends 
rather than to look at a 100-inch screen and watch a DVD 
at home alone. We need “high touch.” We need small talk. 

Why Tele-Commuting is Difficult 

One serious downside of tele-commuting is the lack 
of small talk that emails and instant messaging cannot 
duplicate. The worker at home is out of the social 
loop and can't stay current with the state of office politics, 
gossip, rumors, and vibes. When we're out of sight, 
we're also out of mind. A person cannot accurately 
gauge where she stands in the workplace without regular 
face-to-face contact. 

A Skill of Emotional Intelligence 

Being able to make small talk with a variety of people 
is a foundational skill of emotional intelligence. To 
dismiss small talk as an empty social ritual is foolish and 
shows little understanding of what is needed for humans 
to connect and bond. Those bosses who limit coffee breaks 
and scorn water-cooler chats while telling employees to 
“stop talking and get back to work” often injure the social 
climate for work and actually reduce productivity.