Sabotage in Personal Conversations   
 

You want to clear up a misunderstanding, but the conversation 
quickly becomes complicated and escalates into a crazy argument 
that resolves nothing. Or you want to know what's going on, and 
ask, but feel attacked instead of answered. The communication 
territory seems like a minefield. You tip-toe around important 
subjects. Trust and safety have disappeared. 

This condition is what author Mira Kirschenbaum calls 
"off-the-table-itis," a pattern that kills relationships. More specifically, 
"partners with off-the-table-itis kill relationships." In her insightful 
and practical book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay (Plume, 1997), 
Kirschenbaum asks a series of penetrating diagnostic questions, 
including this one: 

"Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently 
blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly 
about things you care about?" 

If the answer is yes, it will be impossible to collaborate on solving a 
vexing problem. Your choices are few: Shut up, or shut down. 

Many of the couples I've worked with initially report that "We've 
just got a few communication problems. We need a little help fixing 
those and we'll be fine." So they think. But, as 12-steppers say, "Denial 
is not a river in Egypt." What seem to be only "trivial communication 
problems" that require some tinkering may in fact be a single problem 
so huge that it undermines and even destroys any attempt at authentic 
communication. 

Let's diagnose. Do you observe any of the following? 

You say, "We need to talk about the way you handle the finances." 
She acts so miserable that the experience becomes an ordeal, and 
you regret bringing it up. 

You both agree to give each other feedback, but when you do so, you 
receive a barrage of criticism about how you always do it wrong. 

You bring up a problem you are experiencing, and your partner tells 
you what's wrong with you for having such a problem. 

These are a few of the symptoms of "off-the-table-itis." 

If your relationship suffers from this "-itis," the problem will not 
clear up by itself. Once a communication pattern is firmly set, there 
is no change possible from within. 

Now, it could be that the difficult partner is simply unaware of what 
he or she is doing. In such a case, gaining fresh awareness from an outside observer may help that person stop the destructive pattern and learn to communicate more supportively. Maybe. 

However, if the partner is unwilling to look at the "off-the-table-itis" 
pattern or is not open to change, big trouble lies ahead. After all, how 
can you fix those things you can't even talk about? 

The larger question for anyone stuck in such a relationship pattern is 
this: "Can I be safe being real? In other words, "Can I say what I feel 
and think without being stonewalled or attacked?" If you can't, you'll 
find no happiness or satisfaction. Instead, as Kirschenbaum suggests, 
"You'll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the 
breeze."