How to Handle Awkward Silences
“Fairly often when I am talking to someone I want to get to know
better, or someone I've just met, I feel as if I very quickly exhaust any
subject I come up with. Then we stand there and I can think of no
graceful way to either continue the conversation or to leave it. What
are some good things to talk about? When there is an awkward silence, what is the best way to remedy it?”
This is a situation that we've all experienced at some time in our lives.
Adolescents, most of whom go through periods of feeling shy, suffer with
these awkward moments. Many adults do so as well, especially when in unfamiliar settings and meeting strangers.
Nearly always there are two conversations going on at the same time:
One is the external conversation with another person; the other is our
internal conversation, the `self-talk,` that makes us nervous. Most of
the time we don't notice the internal one that is saying things like
`You'll look stupid` and `You never know what to say.` When this
self-talk goes on, you will feel self-conscious, as if the other person is
judging you. When you are feeling judged, you become over-cautious
and hesitant, and this hesitation easily becomes contagious so that others may also feel hesitant.
Mentally Prepare for Conversations with Strangers
Anticipating the possibility of feeling awkward, you can mentally
prepare by anchoring yourself in some positive affirmations that can
contradict the negative self-talk. For example, you can say to yourself
`I am a good person who is genuinely interested in others.` Or, `Each
day I am becoming a better conversationalist.` By affirming your
positive qualities, you are building your confidence and ease.
Acknowledge Feeling Awkward
Another remedy is to acknowledge that you are feeling awkward.
That is, to say so, as with “Excuse me, I'm new here, and I'm feeling
a little bit awkward right now.` The chance is that your conversational
partner is also feeling somewhat awkward, and for you to say so can
dispel the momentary tensions.
Become the Attentive Listener
Social conversation is a mutual activity, and sometimes when we
are feeling stressed we assume the full burden of a conversation.
Instead, having a number of questions available, we can create a
partnership that has the other person doing her share of the talking
while we listen carefully. Questions like `What kind of work do
you do?` and `What brings you to this event?` plus additional
questions that get others to talk about themselves are helpful.
When the other begins talking – telling their story – we can use
follow-up questions to draw them out.
Have a Rich Assortment of Topics to Share
When we have lots of current information to share, and when we
acknowledge that to ourselves, we can be confident that we do not
lack for conversational topics. However, if we have only the topics
of work (shop-talk) and our personal lives to share, we may feel at
a loss for words. When we stay current with world and national events,
culture (books, films, music), and community affairs, we'll have a lot
to talk about when meeting strangers. We can introduce one of these
topics with a question, such as `What movies have you seen recently
that you'd recommend?`
If the Other Person Is Preoccupied
It sometimes happens that we find ourselves engaged in conversation
with a person who is extremely shy or is preoccupied with other concerns. If, after our sincere effort to draw them out, they remain stand-offish, we may as well tactfully excuse ourselves and move on to other people who are more open and friendly. To do this we need only say, `Please excuse me. Perhaps we can talk at another time` and take our leave.
It is not our responsibility to fully carry the conversation. Conversation
is like a dance, taking turns leading and following. To lead we initiate
new topics and share our knowledge and experience. To follow we listen attentively and ask questions. However, sometimes one partner doesn't choose to dance, and at these times it is best to find other partners.
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