Are You Kidding?   


Some conversers delight in poking fun at others. Some are gentle 
with friendly ribbing. Others are downright cruel. And some don't 
seem to know the difference. 

In the right context or relationship frame, even blistering humor 
at another's expense can be OK. For example, a typical “roast” of 
a celebrity performs the not-so-gentle ribbing with an array of presenters. 
Because everyone understands that “it's all in good fun, and we don't 
really mean it,” and because the roast may even be for a charitable 
purpose, no harm is done. In fact, the more thoroughly the target person 
is roasted, the more the presenters and audience love him. (Here I say 
“him” because very few roasts are administered to women. They're a 
“guy thing.”) 

Similarly, close friends may kid one another unmercifully because 
both know it's not being done in a mean-spirited way. There may be 
running gags about golf swings, love handles around the middle, and 
the whole range of human foibles. Were an outsider to talk in the 
same way, the target person would take offense. 

However, stepping over the line of good taste is easy to do, and 
some conversers don't understand where the line is. For example, 
if the target person is experiencing some deep loss or some feared 
medical challenge, kidding is usually out of bounds. Many people 
have an “Achilles heel” issue, such as a drinking problem, or the 
time they forgot the ring at a wedding, something they want forgotten. 
When a person is feeling vulnerable, rough kidding tends not to 
lift the spirits, but to wound. 

The comedic genius, Groucho Marx, seemed not to know, or 
to care about, the differences between being on stage in the comic 
role and being off-stage in personal relationships. As if he could not 
help himself, he shot his arrows of satire and sarcasm directly at his 
wives, children, siblings, and friends. And even at high-ranking 
dignitaries, such as in these examples: 

When performing with his brothers in the stage hit, “The Cocoanuts”: 

“On election eve he remarked to Chico: ‘I see we have the Honorable 
Jimmy Walker.” (Mayor of New York City.) He addressed the 
mayor, then under investigation. ‘What are you doing here? Why 
aren't you out stuffing ballot boxes?'” 

“The night that President Coolidge attended The Cocoanuts, he fared 
no better. Groucho interrupted the action to inquire, ‘Isn't it a little 
past your bedtime, Cal?'” 

(Quotations from “Groucho: The Life and Times of Julius Henry 
Marx.” by Stefan Kanfer, 2000.) 

The late essayist and playwright Dorothy Parker was also well 
known for skewering the great and near-great, and especially her writer 
pals around the table at the Algonquin Hotel in New York, all this for 
the mirth and merriment of her fellows and, when reported by the 
gossip columnists, for thousands of readers. It seems clear that she 
was unable to break out of this role for personal friends and lovers. 
They also had to keep up their guard to defend against the zingers 
that Dorothy could unleash at any time. (She has troubled 
relationships, and this is one reason why.) 

“I was only kidding” lacks any real apologetic power if a 
misspoken word “in fun” has deeply wounded its target. I have 
observed husbands and wives making fun of one another in public 
social settings, such as a husband talking about his wife's weight 
problem, or she talking about his grungy personal habits. And I 
have seen parents talking aloud about their offsprings' behavior, 
such as the stupid things they have done, this for the ostensible 
enjoyment of others but at the expense of the sons or daughters. 

If poking fun at others is your habit, take stock of what you 
say and when and where you say it. The chance is that you may 
be going too far, at least occasionally. And your words, once 
uttered, cannot be taken back. Alternatively, if you find yourself 
too often being the butt of such humor, you will act appropriately 
by telling the other to lay off, that you don't like it or appreciate it. 
Sure: Sometimes it's a good thing to be able to take a joke at your 
expense. But when the joke on you is harsh or cruel, don't let 
the perpetrator get off the hook by merely saying, “What's the 
matter with you? Can't you take a joke?”