Better Group Conversations: Some Guidelines   


Many families and groups of friends come together during 
holidays and for reunions, yet they have only superficial 
conversations. With a few working agreements and some questions 
as conversation-starters, they can have a much richer and more 
enjoyable time of sharing their life experiences. 

Five Factors Degrading Group Conversation 

I observe five main factors that get in the way of quality of group conversation: 

1. Most get-togethers don't set aside the time required for sharing 
meaningful life experiences, telling stories, and respectful listening. 

2. Most groups don't understand that some basic agreements are 
necessary to support quality conversation, and they don't spell out 
those agreements. 

3. We are immersed in a “culture of critique” (linguist Deborah 
Tannen's term) in which people routinely interrupt, correct, and 
argue with one another. This makes conversation risky. 

4. During table conversations in the American culture, children tend 
to be the performers and the adults the spectators, which makes it 
difficult for the elders to share personal experiences. (This pattern 
was described to me years ago by anthropologist Gregory Bateson, 
and I believe it still holds true.) 

5. Many distractions: Televisions and radios claiming our attention, 
phones ringing, people entering and leaving, plus a general busy-ness 
in the home. 

Four Elements that Increase Quality of Group Conversation 

Here are four basic elements that increase the quality and satisfaction 
of conversation for a group of family and friends talking together: 

1. Set aside a time, 60 to 90 minutes, solely for talking and listening. 

2. Ask everyone to agree to these guidelines: 
--Take turns talking. 
-- Listen respectfully and seek to understand 
-- Share personal experience that has meaning 
--Speak briefly, no more than a few minutes 

3. Use some “conversation-starter” questions such as those below 

4. Appoint one person to keep the process on track. 

Recently I sent out surveys to several dozen families to learn what children and adults would most like to hear from each other. From these results I wrote eighty questions and sixty memory-images for a “Better Conversation Kit” that could be used for gatherings of family and friends and class reunions. I discovered that young people were eager to hear stories of the elders' life experiences. Here are some of those questions you can use. They can be put on cards and drawn from a stack: 

 * Where did your family live when you were born? 
 * What was the neighborhood like where you grew up? 
 * What were your favorite movies as a kid? Favorite movie stars? 
 * When you were a child, did you have any serious illnesses or broken bones or operations? What kind of care did you receive? 
 * What is your favorite family holiday? Why? 
 * What was the most memorable vacation your family ever took? 
 * What was a highlight from elementary or middle school? 
 * What was your first job outside of home? 
 * Who was your best friend when you were growing up?  (Describe that person.) 
 * How did you meet your spouse? 
 * You can easily create other questions to add to these starters. If a question is not appropriate to the person taking a card, they can draw another one. 

Two other items that have proved helpful: 

? a timer that keeps sharing within time limits. (Three to six minutes 
has been a good range of time when I've used this method for a church 
picnic, group workshop, and groups of friends.) An inexpensive 
3-minute sand timer works well. 

? a “talking object”: Almost any object will work. A stick or a ball 
work well. Only the person holding the object does the talking. 

Occasions when extended families gather together are precious. 
Setting aside some time to talk and listen in a personal and heartful way 
can greatly enrich those occasions. I encourage you to try out this possibility.