Kindness in Conversation  

 
Lots of people come to believe that being tough, or even mean, 
are necessary to be effective in the world. They regard being gentle 
and kind as too “soft” in the human arena they believe is `dog-eat-dog.` 
Kindness Requires Strength 

I have come to see that there can be and often is strength in the 
expression of kindness, and that being tough, mean, or cruel is mainly 
an attempt to get a sense of power that is lacking. When we are being 
genuinely kind ( and not merely `nice,`), we are giving other people 
what they need, and to do this requires a sense of empathy with them. 

Simple Ways to Show Kindness 

For example, most people have a need to be validated, to be 
seen as worthwhile persons. (Yes, even the tough guys have this need.) 
The late Mary Kay of cosmetics fame often said that each one of us 
has an invisible sign hanging from our neck that says `Please validate 
Me!` So, we can validate others by taking them seriously, listening 
to their ideas, and treating them with respect. That is one way of 
being kind. 

Another way of being kind is by remembering details about others 
and mentioning them when conversing. We may ask `How is your 
daughter doing these days?` because we recall an earlier conversation 
when they mentioned her illness. Or we comment on a project this 
person had described to us, or a vacation they were planning to take. 

Being Interested in Others Shows Kindness 

Showing sincere interest in another's life and work is yet another 
way of being kind. Recently on a trip to Hawaii I had the honor of 
attending a memorial service of a friend, Professor David Chappell. 
David had been on the faculty of the Religion Department at the 
University of Hawaii and was a recognized scholar of Buddhism and 
founder of the `Christian-Buddhist Dialogues` to increase mutual 
understanding among religious groups. He was universally known 
for his gentle and kind nature and his deep interest in others -- his 
students, his colleagues, and people in general. David's life was 
a huge influence on people because he was so consistently caring 
about others, and because his kindness was strong and emerged from 
his depth of character. He advanced his own ideas with grace and 
decency, and always took the ideas of others into account, even if 
he didn't share them. Kindness, he demonstrated, is not a sign of 
weakness; it is, instead, a manifestation of strength. 

When We're Out of Balance, It's Hard to be Kind 

I observe that it's harder to be kind when you are out of balance, 
`running on empty,` stressed-out. At such times the deficits of our 
own needs trump the needs of others, and we find ourselves being 
picky, or self-centered, or mean. As the ancient adage tells us, `You 
can't give from an empty vessel.` Therefore, to be consistently kind in 
our dealings with others, we must take good care of ourselves so that 
our own basic needs are met. Being kind is not a technique, nor a 
style, nor an affectation. It's a way of being. 

Recommendations 

Do a regular meditation on loving kindness and you will soon find 
any abrasive edges of your manner begin to soften. Notice as well that 
as you treat others more frequently with kindness, you will be a more 
frequent recipient of kindness from others, including strangers. Plus, 
your stress level will go down and your overall health and well-being 
will improve.