Teflon Listening   
 

“It it looks like listening, if it acts like listening, if it 
sounds like listening, why then, it must be listening.” 
That ain't necessarily so. 

Pretending to Listen 

A listener can be looking at the speaker, nodding from time to time, 
and uttering well-timed “uh-huhs” during the talk, all this – but no real 
listening is happening. That is, no real taking in and considering what 
was said. Instead, the words are being gracefully deflected, just like a 
Teflon surface, by an adept management of appearances. 

In my conversation seminars, I often give participants the 
following exercise: I ask person “A” in each trio to step outside 
the room and recall a thrilling travel experience so that they can 
present it in a lively way to the other two persons in their trio. 
When “A's” are gone, I instruct persons “B” to appear to be very 
involved – leaning forward, being attentive, nodding, etc. I tell 
them that while they are doing this, think of something else, 
perhaps a grocery list or a planned activity. I then instruct “C's” 
to listen intently so that they could summarize what was said, 
but not to engage in the usual “listening behaviors.” Instead, 
look away and be silent. 

Then the “A's” return and tell their travel stories to “B” and 
“C”. After they have finished their brief stories, I ask them to 
identify who was the better listener. Invariably, they choose 
the “B's”, the ones that only appeared to be listening. (I then ask 
“B's” to recall details of what was said, but usually they are 
unable to do so.) When we ask the “C's” – the one who appeared 
NOT to be listening – to recall the details, they can usually do 
this with ease. 

What is going on here? Well, simply put: It is possible to 
adopt a set of observable behaviors that are polite and discreet 
but do not include the principal element of effective listening -- 
the clear intention to understand what the speaker meant. 

Why Listeners May Not Pay Attention 

Sometimes this deflective “Teflon” listening may be caused 
by a speaker who presents in a way so dull, so flat, and so routine 
that listeners pay little heed. The speaker has already signaled 
that “what I say is not valuable or important.” In marketing 
terms, the speaker's message lacks “stickiness.” 

More usual, I think, is the “pretend” listener who is not much 
interested in the ideas of others. Instead, this self-absorbed person 
is preparing remarks, or judging and invalidating what was said, 
or even “shuttling” elsewhere, pre-occupied and thinking about 
other matters. “Getting through” to such persons is difficult. They 
are so full of their own ideas, judgements, and pre-occupations, 
their minds have no room for the thoughts of others. 

Day-dreaming and sleepy students are examples of Teflon 
listening. Perhaps they are overloaded with too much information 
from a series of complex lectures. Or they are sleep-deprived 
and weary. (A professor friend who had taught at a Chinese 
university told me that his students in the back rows could actually 
sleep with their eyes open so looked attentive!) 

A minister I know has a very engaging manner, but he seems 
to absorb little of – or consider seriously – what is said to him. 
Loquacious and excited to share his own ideas, he tends to 
deflect the thoughts of most others while preparing to inject 
his own remarks. I think he is unaware that others notice this. 
But they do. 

How to Improve Another's Listening 

One way to influence the Teflon listeners to pay attention 
is to ask “What do you understand me to be saying?” when you 
have finished talking. You can do this very tactfully and in a 
pleasant tone. Often these non-listeners will be alerted that 
they'll be found to be dissembling if they don't pay attention. 
Knowing they might be questioned on what was said often 
encourages others to listen more carefully.