Male Pattern Talking
As is now well known, men and women exhibit quite different styles of talking. For example, women generally give more attention to the relationship aspect of their talk, men to the content of their talk.
One stylistic difference that stands out in conversation is that men tend sometimes to lecture rather than to converse, and to do so more frequently with women than men. That pattern can be a turn-off to both men and women because they come across as know-it-alls, and lectures don't give others much chance to talk..
Why do men do this?
Many men mention that they feel good “informing” others about important topics. They think they are being of service through their acts of enlightenment. Also, most likely, such demonstrations of knowledge show them to be well-informed, in the loop, nobody's fool. In the competitive world that most men experience, they get to be king of the hill – at least for a short while.
As well, men tend to be “fixers-of-problems.” A wife brings up a concern about her workplace andthe husband quickly suggests a solution. However, she does not want a solution. She wants only to explore the problem. She wants feel heard, and perhaps some sympathy. She doesn't want to be fixed.
Examples of Male Pattern Talking
Some time ago I had two medical appointments with my family physician. During the first, one topic was aging and health. At that time, my doctor went into lecture-mode and gave me a 10-minute lecturette on the problems of senior men who didn't have hobbies because they had been too involved with work in their lives. During a rare pause, I mentioned that I had presented many seminars on this topic, but he didn't seem to hear me and continued sharing what I thought to be a pretty superficial commentary. During the second appointment, he was his usual loquacious self and gave me several more lecturettes on society and fast-food. Lecture mode, once in operation, does not want to be interrupted.
I openly admit to having had this tendency for a long time, and only in recent years have I managed successfully to curtail my own impulses to go into lecture-style. I used to attribute my tendency to the fact that I actually lectured for a living at several universities. I thought –wrongly, as it turns out – that my job was to deliver my ideas to students via direct transmission, or “teaching as telling.” Slowly, I discovered that more and better student learning could be accomplished when I asked questions and involved the students in discussions among themselves -- “collaborative learning.” That way students learned not only the content (facts, ideas, theories); they also learned how to think for themselves and to discuss with others.
Talking At vs. Talking With
Few of us like to be talked at. We prefer to be talked with. Conversation is best understood as a mutual endeavor, and male pattern talking as in the lecture style does not achieve mutuality. Instead, it feels to the listener like being parented or bossed, as when a superior talks down to a subordinate.
For men reading this, check to see if this is also your habit, just as it was mine. If so, take steps to moderate the tendency, which will significantly improve your social relations. For women, you can choose to be more assertive and interrupt with questions, summaries, and by saying “Now let me share my own thoughts.” If you remain silent, a male converser may misinterpret that silence as your approval, and you will continue to be spoken at rather than spoken with.
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