Male Pattern Talking   


As is now well known, men and women exhibit quite different 
styles of talking. For example, women generally give more attention 
to the relationship aspect of their talk, men to the content of their talk. 

One stylistic difference that stands out in conversation is that men 
tend sometimes to lecture rather than to converse, and to do so more 
frequently with women than men. That pattern can be a turn-off to 
both men and women because they come across as know-it-alls, and 
lectures don't give others much chance to talk.. 

Why do men do this? 

Many men mention that they feel good “informing” others about 
important topics. They think they are being of service through their acts 
of enlightenment. Also, most likely, such demonstrations of knowledge 
show them to be well-informed, in the loop, nobody's fool. In the 
competitive world that most men experience, they get to be king of the 
hill – at least for a short while. 

As well, men tend to be “fixers-of-problems.” A wife brings 
up a concern about her workplace andthe husband quickly suggests a 
solution. However, she does not want a solution. She wants only to 
explore the problem. She wants feel heard, and perhaps some 
sympathy. She doesn't want to be fixed. 

Examples of Male Pattern Talking 

Some time ago I had two medical appointments with my family 
physician. During the first, one topic was aging and health. At that 
time, my doctor went into lecture-mode and gave me a 10-minute 
lecturette on the problems of senior men who didn't have hobbies 
because they had been too involved with work in their lives. During 
a rare pause, I mentioned that I had presented many seminars on this 
topic, but he didn't seem to hear me and continued sharing what I 
thought to be a pretty superficial commentary. During the second 
appointment, he was his usual loquacious self and gave me several 
more lecturettes on society and fast-food. Lecture mode, once in 
operation, does not want to be interrupted. 

I openly admit to having had this tendency for a long time, and 
only in recent years have I managed successfully to curtail my own 
impulses to go into lecture-style. I used to attribute my tendency to the 
fact that I actually lectured for a living at several universities. I 
thought –wrongly, as it turns out – that my job was to deliver my 
ideas to students via direct transmission, or “teaching as telling.” 
Slowly, I discovered that more and better student learning could be 
accomplished when I asked questions and involved the students in 
discussions among themselves -- “collaborative learning.” That way 
students learned not only the content (facts, ideas, theories); they also 
learned how to think for themselves and to discuss with others. 

Talking At vs. Talking With 

Few of us like to be talked at. We prefer to be talked with. 
Conversation is best understood as a mutual endeavor, and male 
pattern talking as in the lecture style does not achieve mutuality. 
Instead, it feels to the listener like being parented or bossed, as 
when a superior talks down to a subordinate. 

For men reading this, check to see if this is also your habit, 
just as it was mine. If so, take steps to moderate the tendency, 
which will significantly improve your social relations. For women, 
you can choose to be more assertive and interrupt with questions, 
summaries, and by saying “Now let me share my own thoughts.” 
If you remain silent, a male converser may misinterpret that silence 
as your approval, and you will continue to be spoken at rather than 
spoken with.