Impro-versation: No Denying   


One of the main concerns of the conversationally-impaired 
is how to continue a conversation once it's started. These folks 
dread the possibility that a conversation will bog down and sink 
into awkward silence. I am hereby proposing a nearly fail-safe 
rule for these folks: “Don't deny what the other person says.” 
That is, accept what the other person says as a contribution to 
the conversation; then add to that. 
In improvisational theater, the above “Don't deny” rule is 
known as “Yes, and.” Your fellow player makes an offer 
(that is, says or does something), and you add to it. Simple? 
Yes. Easy? Not always. However, when players stick to this 
rule, the improvised conversation emerges, grows nicely, and the 
story-line develops. Audiences are engaged and amused by the 
rapid flow of discourse and the surprising things that are said. 

Example of breaking the “Yes, and” rule: 

Player A: “Hey, Bob! Nice yellow shoes you're wearing.” 
Player B: “You must be color-blind. These shoes are black.” 

In the above example, player B interrupts the conversational flow 
by blocking the first player's offer through denial. 

Example of following the “Yes, and” rule: 

Player A: “Hey, Bob! Nice yellow shoes you're wearing.” 
Player B: “Yes, and I got them on sale at half-price.” 

In the second example, player B accepts the offer and adds to it, 
thereby continuing the flow. Although improv players don't always 
say “Yes, and,” the experienced ones always think “Yes, and” because 
they understand that by accepting and adding to an offer, the story 
develops spontaneously. 

A brief exercise that demonstrates the power of “but” to frustrate 
and defeat a group is this: Give a group of 5-6 people a simple 
assignment such as “Plan a group picnic in 10 minutes.” Then give 
the instruction that each contribution after the opening comment 
must be preceded by “Yes, but.” For example: 

A: I suggest we picnic at the City Park 
B: Yes, but it's often crowded there. 
C: Well, we could go to the seashore. 
D: Yes, but the tides are dangerous. 
E: How about going to a movie instead? 
F: Yes, but we probably can't get tickets to a good one. 

You get the idea. Although this “Yes, but” pattern is 
exaggerated, it parallels what often happens between people. 
The “but-ing” blocks and does not allow the conversation to 
develop. In the mixed message, the “but” erases the “yes.” 

To say “Yes, and” does not require you to agree with a 
comment, only that you acknowledge what was said, and you 
thereby create a positive climate. The “and” commits you to 
offering an addition rather than a substitution. 

Linguist and author Deborah Tannen refers to our society as 
“a culture of critique” in her popular book, The Argument Culture: 
Stopping America's War of Words. As she illustrates, the 
media are often formatted in a “Yes, but” structure, political right 
against left, girlfriend vs. boyfriend, plaintiff vs. defendant. This 
is the stuff of talk-shows, court-shows, sport shows, and outrageous 
Jerry Springer type shows. Conflict and argument, the producers 
agree, pay off. Apparently, listeners and viewers are attracted to 
such conflict and, as mogul Lee Shubert once said of attendance in his 
theaters, “The box office never lies.” 

Although it may be true that “conflict sells” in the media, it is 
clearly not true that conflict works well in ordinary conversation. 
Denying, deflecting, ignoring, and all the other ways one can block 
the contributions of others impede the conversation and almost 
always manage to shut it down. The negatives are substantial 
Among them: 

--You'll probably distance the relationship 
--You'll learn nothing new 
--You'll create awkward moments 
--You'll set up a pattern of opposition rather than collaboration 
--Eventually you yourself won't be acknowledged either 

However, when you think of others' comments as “offers” 
instead of “challenges,” and your own remarks as “additional offers,” 
the conversation flows easily. As a small experiment, eliminate 
any of your “Yes, but” responses from a few conversations and 
see what happens. You'll immediately notice the change.