Adjusting the Way You Talk   


At least since Aristotle recommended adapting a message to its audience in his Rhetoric (350 B.C.), skillful communicators have been shaping their messages to connect with specific audiences. (By rhetoric he meant "the faculty of observing in any given case the available means of persuasion." For conversation, “how to get your point across to a particular person.” “Every head's a different world.” We share some commonalities, and also many differences. To be effective, it is best to take those differences into account. 

A significant and frequently overlooked difference is that between the generations. Marketers know this well, and study the values, wants, and desires of various age groups. Television producers also hone in on the different age-group predispositions if they are to succeed in gaining and holding their attention. Skillful teachers, as well, adapt their lessons to the age group they instruct. 

But for ordinary conversation, such adjustments are easily overlooked, even though they are almost common sense. Thus, parents may sound “preachy” to their children when they talk because they refer to experiences the children did not have and appeal to values the children may not share. 

Some contrasts in four living generations of Americans: 
“Veterans” (born between 1922—1943, 52 million): 
Core values: dedication, sacrifice, hard work, conformity, respect authority 
Personality: Conformists, conservative, past-oriented 

“Boomers” (born between 1943-1960, 73 million) 
Core values: optimism, personal gratification, personal growth 
Personality: driven, soul-searchers, ambivalent about authority 

“Gen Xers” (born between 1960-1980, 70 million) 
Core values: diversity, informality, fun, pragmatism 
Personality: risk-takers, skeptical, family-oriented 

“Nexters” (1980 and later, 70 million) 
Core values: confidence, achievement, morality, street-smarts 
Personality: optimistic, prefer collective action, tenacious 

When a “veteran” talks to a grandchild from a value context of conformity and unquestioned respect for authority, s/he encounters considerable resistance from a Gen Xer who tends to value diversity and is skeptical of authority. When rebuffed, the elder may feel insulted and grumble about “the kids these days, they've got no respect.” 

“Every head's a different world.” 

When a 45-year-old boomer, who may be constantly soul-searching, talks about the his valued ideal of personal growth to a more laid-back Gen Xer, the message may not connect. Instead, the Xer is a bit puzzled and wonders about the quaint perspective expressed by the boomer. 

One of the better message adaptations I have read about is that of youth development counselor Edward DeJesus, an in-touch expert who deals with kids of the hip-hop generation on the mean streets of New York City. In his recent book, “Makin' It: The Hip-Hop Guide to True Survival,” he shows how he and his colleagues frame their messages toward the key value of the kids – survival, and other strong values like making money and getting respect. Using real-life examples and basic math, he shows how more education leads to more money, how self-discipline leads to greater respect from others, and how smart risk-management leads to physical survival. Nothing preachy here, 
and in a language that the hip-hoppers clearly understand. While other programs have often failed to “reach” the kids, that of DeJesus has been successful against steep odds. 

When we are conversing with a speaker of a language other than English, we know we must make adjustments. However, we easily overlook the adjustments when speaking to those we consider “our own kind.” Failure to adapt to our listeners simply increases the possibility of their misunderstanding and resistance. 

So think about the person you're talking to, and adapt your message 
accordingly.