Conversation . . .to be Continued


In these busy techno-days, many of my conversations are broken 
into chunks over time. They are strung out. They are often frustrating. 

Extended Conversations Are Often a Mix of Modalities 

Not only do my conversations extend over time; they are also a mixture of 
face-time talk, phone talk, instant messaging, faxes, emails, and sometimes 
postal mail. The same may be true for you. My question is, how can we hold 
together the thread of talk as it develops with these various modalities? 

For example, we meet a great new person at a professional conference 
and conclude that we like and can help each other. We exchange cards and 
vow to connect again to set up a time to meet for lunch. That evening, we 
check our schedule and email it to our new friend with a request to select 
the most convenient time. Then days go by with no response at all. Finally, 
after a week goes by, we phone our new friend, who tells us “Oh, yeah. 
I guess I haven't been checking my emails.” 

A husband and wife are discussing holiday plans. Her parents' home? 
Or his parents' home? After a stressful three hours of talk, the discussion 
is interrupted when their sick child has to be taken to an emergency room. 
Weeks go by without this touchy topic being brought up again. When the 
wife finally brings it up, he says she's nagging. It is difficult to recall what 
was said weeks before on this issue. 

Sometimes Delay Does Damage 

Both of these examples illustrate that the passage of time can damage 
an important ongoing conversation. The first example suggests “You are 
not important.” The second suggests “I'd rather not deal with this issue.” 

If we don't keep a conversational thread going in a timely and polite 
manner, it may be broken and hard to repair. Moreover, we may need not 
only to tie the thread together. We may also have some relationship repair 
to do, and that makes the conversation more difficult to resume. 

I know a clergyman who is a warm, outgoing, and talkative person, 
enjoyable to spend time with. When we get together for a chat, some 
items are left incomplete, and we agree to talk about them later on. 
I often send or hand him some additional ideas to consider. However, 
usually that is the end of the matter. I rarely receive any follow-up 
from him, as if we never discussed these topics. Although he suggests 
a further response when he says “Let me think about that,” he rarely 
brings up a matter again. When I remind him, he acknowledges the 
issue briefly but still does not bring it up, even though it is an item 
that requires a decision and some specific action. Because he doesn't 
write down notes, he tends to forget the specifics. He is good at 
face-time talk but ineffective at follow-through. 

Acknowledgement is Important 

To be effective with a conversation that takes over time, we must 
“manage the mix.” It is important to acknowledge when we are sent 
information that is actually part of the conversation so that the sender 
knows we got it and are considering it. (“I got your email attachment 
with the budget figures. Will you call me Tuesday morning to 
discuss them?”) 

Make Agreements About When to Resume 

When we stop (but not conclude) any conversation, it is critical that 
we make some specific agreements as to when and how – or if -- we will 
resume the talk. If we do not, the thread of understanding will fray and 
possibly break, and our time will have been wasted. “I'll FedEx you a 
copy of the workbook, and after you have time to go through it, we can 
talk again. Will 10 days be enough time? I'll call you next Saturday so 
you won't be interrupted at work.” 

When we recognize that many of our conversations are mixtures 
of various modes of communication, we can be more effective. On the 
other hand, if we think that only the direct face-to-face conversation 
is “real communication,” we will probably neglect the other modes as 
less important, and the conversational thread may break.